So, on Wednesday I headed to Toom, out closest hardware store, for a few items. I needed a new kitchen sink stopper, windshield wiper fluid and a snow shovel. I cleverly put the old sink stopper in my pocket, just in case. They don't speak English at this Toom, so just in case I couldn't find it I could just pop it out of my pocket and say "Haben sie das?" (Literally, "Have you this?")
On my way to search for it I came across what I believe to be windshield wiper fluid. I had not looked up the word for windshield, but it was a gallon, blue, with a small spout and, among all the words on the label, I recognized "clear sight." It all adds up.
So, sure enough I can't find the stopper and have to ask. The worker leads me to the right place, takes the stopper and finds the right size. He seems patient. So I decide to make sure I have the right product, but still don't know the word for windshield wipers. So I start, in German, with my apology for my bad German, then ask "Das ist fur die auto ...?(This is for the car ...?) and make windshield wiper motions. Okay, elbows straight in front of you, move your forearms back and forth in a swiping motion. (Add a hip sway and you've got a great 1920s dance move). I also make a "swish, swish, swish" sound. (Yes, I am good at charades.) He takes the bottle, reads it carefully, and starts talking to me about mixing it with water, then shows me the ratio chart. That doesn't make sense. Its should be just pour the gallon in. So I thank him,walk away, and put in back.
Off to find a snow shovel. I look, and look, and look. They have to have snow shovels. I mean, come on! Finally I see a guy cleaning up sad, unchosen Christmas trees and ask .... But I also did not look up the word for shovel. I am very unprepared for this errand. Okay. "Haben sie, fur die schnee..."(Have you, for the snow...) and I imitate shoveling. I choose the up-and-over-the-shoulder method of shoveling like a crazy California 49er gold rush guy burying his money. Hey Yosemite Sam, you got snow to deal with or $50 to hide from Bugs Bunny? Then the guy says back to me, ( in English!), "No. Maybe on Friday we will have more." Oh, so all that mangled German and pantomime was unnecessary? I start to walk away, then realize I can ask this guy, since he speaks English, "By the way, what is the word for "shovel?" "Schaufel." Say it out loud and you know what it sounds like? "Shovel."
(As and aside ... you may think that I can just go in and say "shovel" and they will figure it out. But if you don't get it just right, they will go blank on you. I was standing in a liquor store one day asking for "Vodka." Blank stare. "Vodka." Head tilt, blank look. "Vodka?" "Nein". I know you've got it here somewhere. Then I say "Stolichnaya"? (seriously, is my German pronunciation of Russian better than my German?). Then she says, "Oh, Wodka?" Come on, you couldn't get Wodka, from Vodka? That's not close enough? You work in a liquor store and someone says "Vodka" and you act like it's not anything? So, yeah, you can't slightly mis-pronounce sometimes.)
So, in case you are scoring at home, that's 45 minutes in the hardware store, and all I came home with was a sink stopper. And the word for "shovel." And a pastry (what, your hardware stores won't all have bakeries inside?) So, not a complete loss.
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